Saturday, July 26, 2003
Rock bottom
Lost half a grand yesterday afternoon at Atlantic City.
I know all the rules but again I allow myself to forget.
Broke all the rules.
Before I left, an old guy was teaching his sons how I should have been playing. Even our dealer was telling me, “Don’t hit on fourteen if you see the dealer with a two or three showing. You are just taking the ‘bust’ card.” The old man was reminding me of all those things I read about five, six, seven years ago before I had ever been to a Casino.
The old guy was pissed with me.
He said that if you play on a table where everyone knows what the hell they are doing then you had the best chance of walking away with some money.
What I was doing was just pissing money away.
Hitting on fourteen a good rule when the dealer shows a seven or above.
Always assume the dealers’ down card is a ten.
Never split a pair of nines (18); maybe a pair of eights (16); always a pair of sevens (14).
Double down on an eleven.
If the dealer draws a twenty-one, forget it – next hand.
You can be following all the rules and still lose.
Know when to walk away.
Advanced rule: When the dealer shows a 16 or below; you still have to be weary of the other players especially if they show anything below a sum of seventeen. The lesson: know how the players around you are going to play.
Advanced rule: In a rack (five shuffled decks), there will be a run of high cards (tens, jacks, queens, kings & aces); do the math. You want to be in it!
Don’t drink while you gamble.
I broke this one in spades!
But I break all the rules, I do not want to remember . . . gambling, booze, women . . . I do not want it to be work. I am not out there hustling.
There was a moment. When I was winning, drinking a lot, flirting with this tall, thin bleach blond women sitting across the table with her girlfriend / lover in tow. A women pretty enough that the ‘ring manager’ had came over to hit on her for about ten hands.
I was tipping the dealer
I was tipping the waitress
I coming back
I did not have to break the rules because I was getting 17, 18, 19, 20 & 21’s.
The deck ran out and the dealer had to shuffle; I need to piss.
Lost half a grand yesterday afternoon at Atlantic City.
I know all the rules but again I allow myself to forget.
Broke all the rules.
Before I left, an old guy was teaching his sons how I should have been playing. Even our dealer was telling me, “Don’t hit on fourteen if you see the dealer with a two or three showing. You are just taking the ‘bust’ card.” The old man was reminding me of all those things I read about five, six, seven years ago before I had ever been to a Casino.
The old guy was pissed with me.
He said that if you play on a table where everyone knows what the hell they are doing then you had the best chance of walking away with some money.
What I was doing was just pissing money away.
Hitting on fourteen a good rule when the dealer shows a seven or above.
Always assume the dealers’ down card is a ten.
Never split a pair of nines (18); maybe a pair of eights (16); always a pair of sevens (14).
Double down on an eleven.
If the dealer draws a twenty-one, forget it – next hand.
You can be following all the rules and still lose.
Know when to walk away.
Advanced rule: When the dealer shows a 16 or below; you still have to be weary of the other players especially if they show anything below a sum of seventeen. The lesson: know how the players around you are going to play.
Advanced rule: In a rack (five shuffled decks), there will be a run of high cards (tens, jacks, queens, kings & aces); do the math. You want to be in it!
Don’t drink while you gamble.
I broke this one in spades!
But I break all the rules, I do not want to remember . . . gambling, booze, women . . . I do not want it to be work. I am not out there hustling.
There was a moment. When I was winning, drinking a lot, flirting with this tall, thin bleach blond women sitting across the table with her girlfriend / lover in tow. A women pretty enough that the ‘ring manager’ had came over to hit on her for about ten hands.
I was tipping the dealer
I was tipping the waitress
I coming back
I did not have to break the rules because I was getting 17, 18, 19, 20 & 21’s.
The deck ran out and the dealer had to shuffle; I need to piss.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I was reminded yesterday why I got smashed at T’s wedding.
I was thinking last night; when I first started really drinking it was because of another Sagittarius almost ten year prior.
Had forgotten.
This is my way of forgetting / forgiving myself.
I was thinking last night; when I first started really drinking it was because of another Sagittarius almost ten year prior.
Had forgotten.
This is my way of forgetting / forgiving myself.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Things to Do.
1. PE license
2. Fall in Love
3. Learn to fish
4. Learn to dance Salsa
5. & 6. Forgive other & myself
7. & 8. Buy a home / own property
9. & 10. Save money / Spend wisely
- admittedly not very exciting -sigh-
1. PE license
2. Fall in Love
3. Learn to fish
4. Learn to dance Salsa
5. & 6. Forgive other & myself
7. & 8. Buy a home / own property
9. & 10. Save money / Spend wisely
- admittedly not very exciting -sigh-
Thursday, July 17, 2003
'Terrible Lie'
You choose to believe in the things they say about me.
Your belief is not in the things you see but in the lies you hear about me.
:break: Because she chose to expose herself & her vulnerabilities to me.
Because I can damage her, cause I am damaged.
Let me love her because she is a beautiful soul in this ugly life I chose.
Let her heal me.
Because I can never be ‘in love’ with her; it will only lead to the destruction of the very thing I adore most about her.
She has this gift. People hate her for it and given half-a-chance they will destroy the best part of her.
She can pay me forward.
I will stay true to my word.
My word is my bond.
I swear to protect the innocence and enthusiasm that burns inside of her as if it were my own unbroken self.
Liz is not like any other girls.
She is not pretty enough.
She is not reserved.
She has no inkling of how to hold and manipulate power; how wonderful – that shall be the mark of when my time is up!
You choose to believe in the things they say about me.
Your belief is not in the things you see but in the lies you hear about me.
:break: Because she chose to expose herself & her vulnerabilities to me.
Because I can damage her, cause I am damaged.
Let me love her because she is a beautiful soul in this ugly life I chose.
Let her heal me.
Because I can never be ‘in love’ with her; it will only lead to the destruction of the very thing I adore most about her.
She has this gift. People hate her for it and given half-a-chance they will destroy the best part of her.
She can pay me forward.
I will stay true to my word.
My word is my bond.
I swear to protect the innocence and enthusiasm that burns inside of her as if it were my own unbroken self.
Liz is not like any other girls.
She is not pretty enough.
She is not reserved.
She has no inkling of how to hold and manipulate power; how wonderful – that shall be the mark of when my time is up!
Monday, July 14, 2003
Perryville
‘I find that those (people) who do not have (many) friends among their own age group are severely insecure’.
‘You befriend / relate to people older than you because the relationship is non-threatening’.
‘You are attracted to young companions because they are unable to compete with you . . . simply because you have more experience (through time).
It has nothing to do with empowering them!’.
The observer was so close yet so wrong.
All the excerpt information.
All the revelations of my personal life.
All the arsenal to hurt me.
It is not an accident. Nothing ever is around me.
It is my goal to level the playing field; yet still be able to defeat others and defend myself.
‘I find that those (people) who do not have (many) friends among their own age group are severely insecure’.
‘You befriend / relate to people older than you because the relationship is non-threatening’.
‘You are attracted to young companions because they are unable to compete with you . . . simply because you have more experience (through time).
It has nothing to do with empowering them!’.
The observer was so close yet so wrong.
All the excerpt information.
All the revelations of my personal life.
All the arsenal to hurt me.
It is not an accident. Nothing ever is around me.
It is my goal to level the playing field; yet still be able to defeat others and defend myself.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
What is it?
I had just about given up on Elizabeth (girl at the gym).
Have not spoken / seen her since the end of April.
je is right. If I am just waiting for my opportunity to pounce on her then I should ‘just stop!’.
“It’s okay to want to talk”. Just with the understanding that our relation will / can never develop into anything more than a casual acquaintance. I accept that.
We did not miss a beat. I had sparingly spoken to her about all the things she has done since I have last seen her.
Love that she knows she is pretty.
Then I let go. It is never forced between us. Not the way it is with a particular associate.
Small bites.
I want just enough to spark my imagination;
an idea / critique for the next time we happen to meet.
I like that she makes me feel her age.
The BS slung around deadens me.
Admittedly, I enter into relations with ‘innocent’ people to ‘suck-up’ their youth -
If you want to categorize it like that but it is more than that.
It is seeing life through rose tinted glasses.
No: I cannot . . .; I shouldn’t . . .; it will not work . .
It is dreaming about the possibilities.
Jumping into things truly believing there is a ton I can learn / re-learn.
Forgetting the past – my past.
I can still feel the excitement of our five minute conversation (it was probably even less than that).
Last night, I realize the coincidental element of time & space with Liz. I can / should only get so close (before I get beaten up by ‘her guy’). She bridges the gap to a generation I do not quite understand.
I had just about given up on Elizabeth (girl at the gym).
Have not spoken / seen her since the end of April.
je is right. If I am just waiting for my opportunity to pounce on her then I should ‘just stop!’.
“It’s okay to want to talk”. Just with the understanding that our relation will / can never develop into anything more than a casual acquaintance. I accept that.
We did not miss a beat. I had sparingly spoken to her about all the things she has done since I have last seen her.
Love that she knows she is pretty.
Then I let go. It is never forced between us. Not the way it is with a particular associate.
Small bites.
I want just enough to spark my imagination;
an idea / critique for the next time we happen to meet.
I like that she makes me feel her age.
The BS slung around deadens me.
Admittedly, I enter into relations with ‘innocent’ people to ‘suck-up’ their youth -
If you want to categorize it like that but it is more than that.
It is seeing life through rose tinted glasses.
No: I cannot . . .; I shouldn’t . . .; it will not work . .
It is dreaming about the possibilities.
Jumping into things truly believing there is a ton I can learn / re-learn.
Forgetting the past – my past.
I can still feel the excitement of our five minute conversation (it was probably even less than that).
Last night, I realize the coincidental element of time & space with Liz. I can / should only get so close (before I get beaten up by ‘her guy’). She bridges the gap to a generation I do not quite understand.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Liar, liar pants on fire
I cheat.
There is a misconception, the way I tell it a good read “jumps” out at me when I go visit the bookstore. Public libraries these day$.
Truth is I allow a select few to influence my booklist. That way the plethora of bad writing and horrible recommendations, I at least stack the odds in my favor every now and then.
Next up Atonement by Ian McEwan. It is a novella recommended by Matt Wagner. I had the pleasure of meeting him way way back when in my youth.
Grendel. It was before learning about Beowulf, charming monsters / beautiful devils and John Gardner. In this lies the defining Reoccurrence of my life. I grow / change. Yet aspects of my past (other lives) have a way of creeping up upon me time & again. Sometimes I feel as if the lesson was not learned properly at the start and that I am losing my footing on an uphill battle.
I know this is wrong. There are those that can understand & manipulate time / space better than I. I know it when I read commentaries from the NY Times & columns in the Wall Street Journal. When I am reminded morals given-up in the hunger for power / control bear unseen consequences.
I only hope this next novel will be better than The White Bone recommendation by MW.
I cheat.
There is a misconception, the way I tell it a good read “jumps” out at me when I go visit the bookstore. Public libraries these day$.
Truth is I allow a select few to influence my booklist. That way the plethora of bad writing and horrible recommendations, I at least stack the odds in my favor every now and then.
Next up Atonement by Ian McEwan. It is a novella recommended by Matt Wagner. I had the pleasure of meeting him way way back when in my youth.
Grendel. It was before learning about Beowulf, charming monsters / beautiful devils and John Gardner. In this lies the defining Reoccurrence of my life. I grow / change. Yet aspects of my past (other lives) have a way of creeping up upon me time & again. Sometimes I feel as if the lesson was not learned properly at the start and that I am losing my footing on an uphill battle.
I know this is wrong. There are those that can understand & manipulate time / space better than I. I know it when I read commentaries from the NY Times & columns in the Wall Street Journal. When I am reminded morals given-up in the hunger for power / control bear unseen consequences.
I only hope this next novel will be better than The White Bone recommendation by MW.
